It’s hard to imagine when looking into your new baby’s eyes that one day she will throw a huge tantrum in the middle of Target causing you to leave your cart behind as you rush in embarrassment from the store. However, it is a natural part of development for kids to strike out on their own, and a part of becoming their own person is wanting to do things their way. Toddlerhood is a time of newly discovered independence that’s still constrained by physical and linguistic limitations. On one hand, their brains are as malleable as they will ever be. They are absorbing so much about the world. On the other hand, they don’t understand why they can’t eat the cat poop from the litter box. Toddlers’ very existence is a conundrum of frustration. When they don’t have the words to express this, screaming and yelling feel like their only source of release. So what is a parent to do?
1. Calm Yourself
First, calm yourself. Remember that is a separate human with their own thoughts and feelings. We can only ever control our own reaction to what other humans do. Their behavior at this moment does not mean you are failing as a parent. Problems start to arise and the relationship with our children starts to break down when we allow their feelings to become our feelings. So calm yourself first so that you can handle the situation in a way that you feel comfortable with and will not regret later. This also helps to show the child ways to calm down. You could even try narrating, “I’m going to take some deep breaths.” Though, they are unlikely to hear you above their own screaming.
Once we have ourselves in order, we can focus on how to help our child.
Different situations should be handled differently. Here are some general tips as well as more scenario-specific ones.
2. Talk to Your Doctor
If you feel your child’s behavior is beyond the typical toddler's behavior, reach out to a medical professional. It is important to make sure there is not some kind of underlying issue that is interfering with your child’s behavior. This can be as simple as they need glasses and are getting overly frustrated at the inability to see. Or it can be as complex as Autism affecting their ability to communicate. I once had a student who had undiagnosed diabetes and their behavior was very different after they were diagnosed. Or you may find out there is nothing amiss which will help you to feel better as you move forward with helping them. By age three, you may be able to get a clear diagnosis if you or your doctor suspects there is something more serious going on. Remember that everyone is unique with their own talents and areas of struggle. The sooner you get your kid whatever help they might need, the better.
3. Allow Them Time to Calm Down
Just like with adults, it’s best not to have conversations when we are angry. Allowing some space to calm down so that we can have a reasonable conversation helps greatly with communication. Lately, I hear parents say they are trying “gentle parenting” but it’s not working. While I don’t profess to follow one particular philosophy, I do think gentle parenting is effective when fully understood. One of the issues might be when they are choosing to talk with their child. When possible, allow them time to calm down. Glue a neutral expression onto your face. Any kind of big reaction from you be it negative or positive will feed their behavior. If you are able, take them to a calm place or separate them from the triggering situation. Keep a neutral expression and try to not say much at that moment. You can say something like, “When you scream, it tells me you need a break.” You can have this set up in advance if the tantrum is happening in an environment you can control. Try different relaxing things in this area such as books about feelings, some lavender-scented things, a stress ball or play dough, a feelings chart, and some relaxing music. This is not a punishment, they only need to stay in that area until they have calmed down. Don’t use the area as a “time out.” They should also be free to go to this area on their own if there is ever a time they feel they need to calm down. I understand that sometimes we can’t separate them from the situation, and I’ll address that later in the article.
4. Think Before You Speak
While he is calming down, brainstorm. Reflect on the situation and figure out what triggered your child. What was she hoping to accomplish from the yelling? How can she get that without yelling? Is this something he can never have such as eating the kitty litter? How can he express his feelings when he’s told no? Think about how you can explain to your child with as few words as possible. Try repeating what you’re saying in multiple ways. Imagine you are learning a new language and someone is trying to explain you did something wrong and trying to tell you how to do it right. You can also try switching the sentence structure when you repeat as sometimes kids will block out the beginning or end of the sentence. Check out below for some specific scenarios.
5. Speak with Your Child
Keeping your voice calm, engage in dialogue with your child. Another area I see parents struggling with when they are trying gentle parenting is delivery. Don’t deliver your whole speech in one long monologue. Pause after each short sentence to allow it to be processed in their minds and also allow for a response. This is a conversation. You should not talk to them like you are reprimanding them. Not every situation needs a punishment.
Example:
“You were upset.”
Pause [try counting to 30 in your head, it will seem like an eternity]
“You wanted the ball.”
Pause
“The ball, you wanted it.”
Pause
“You can have the ball.”
Pause
“Say, ‘Can I have the ball, please?’”
Pause, allow them to repeat
6. Practice the Specific Scenario
Role-play the specific scenario again. Practice a few times and set up several ways it might go. If you are role-playing another child, make sure you are being realistic in your response. If possible, you can have them practice the scenario again with the real child.
7. Practice Similar Scenarios
Extend the behavior lesson to similar situations. It demonstrates a higher level of understanding to extend a skill beyond the context where it was originally learned. So understanding how to ask for the ball might not necessarily default to understanding how to ask for anything that they want. Have them practice asking for different toys or ask different people or be told no for different things. Remember, just like with any kind of teaching, it’s best to switch up activities depending on their age. For a child under 5, you should change it up every five-ten minutes. On another day, you can bring it up again and practice again. Remember, just like when you’re teaching them to read you won’t say a letter sound only once and expect them to remember it. Same with behavior. Repeat often until it is clear they know what to do.
8. Praise
When you see your child using the strategies, praise her in a way that promotes internal motivation. “I see you did ___. How did that make you feel?” Or “You made ___ happy when you asked nicely for the toy. Did that make you happy too?” We don’t want them to only behave when we are around or when they think someone is watching. We want them to reflect on how it makes them feel to treat others with respect and hopefully they will become self-motivated.
9. Be Prepared for Possible Escalation
It takes consistency and repetition to change behavior. Sometimes these behaviors will escalate for a bit as your child thinks, “I got so much attention before when I yelled in my sister’s face and now that’s not getting me the desired reaction so I’ll do something worse.” Stick with removal, neutral expression, and then communication. Eventually, she will learn that’s the only reaction she will get from that situation. Try sticking with the change for six weeks before trying something new.
10. Specific Scenarios
Your child wanted something they can have but they need to work on asking nicely.
Remove from the situation, allow to calm, communicate
“You were upset.”
“You wanted the toy.”
“The toy, you wanted it.”
“You can have the toy.”
“Say, ‘Can I have the toy, please?’”
Practice
Your child wanted something they can have but they need to wait.
Remove from the situation, allow to calm, communicate
“You were upset.”
“You want the food.”
“The food, you want it.”
“The food is cooking.”
“I’m cooking the food.”
Give your child choices. Make sure when presenting choices that you are okay with ALL the choices you have presented.
“Do you want to watch?”
“Do you want to wait here and play?”
“Do you want to help?”
Do not give a choice sarcastically.
Non-example: “Do you want to cry all night or do you want to watch me cook.”
Your child wanted something someone else is using.
Remove from the situation, allow to calm, communicate
“You were upset.”
“The book, you want it.”
“You want the book.”
“Sarah is using it.”
“The book is with Sarah right now.”
Give choices.
“You can ask to share.”
Sarah might not want to share so make sure your child knows this before asking. They need to know that asking nicely does not always get them what they want. “Sarah can say yes or no.” “What if Sarah says no?”
“Do you want to read a different book?”
“Do you want to read with me?”
“Do you want to leave the library?”
Your child wanted something they can’t ever have.
Remove from the situation, allow to calm, communicate
“You were upset.”
“You want the cat poop.”
“The cat poop, you want it.”
“It is yucky.”
“We don’t eat poop.”
“Poop, we don’t eat it.” With something nasty like trash, poop, or their sibling's diaper, try letting them smell it in a way they can’t access it to eat such as in a box with holes or a bag. There is a pretty good chance if they can smell it and explore it a bit they will lose interest when they realize it’s nasty. If interest in eating fecal matter persists then discuss it with your doctor, children can sometimes develop pica.
Here’s another example
“You were upset.”
“The pony, you want it.”
“You want the pony.”
“You can’t have the pony.”
Acknowledge their disappointment
“You feel disappointed. You wanted something and can’t have it. Do you want to tell me about your feelings?”
Present choices
“Do you want to photograph the pony?” Sometimes taking a photo of something can help to fulfill the same rewards systems in our brains as owning it.
“When you grow up, will you buy a pony?” At this age, imagining the future can give them the same level of satisfaction as it happening now.
“Do you want to learn more about ponies?” Fuel their interest even though they can’t have that particular thing.
Your child does not want to do something
Make sure to calm yourself as this can be particularly frustrating. Try to prevent this by giving them warnings that the thing is going to happen. Give them a warning at the beginning of the day, an hour beforehand, ten minutes beforehand, and then two minutes beforehand. Try to prevent time constraints when possible so that you don’t need to rush the child. Try to make the task as pleasant as possible. Example: play their favorite song while they brush their teeth, make cleaning their toys up a game by timing how fast they can do it or having them race their brother, and have at least one safe food on the plate for dinner so you don’t have to fight with them about how much they eat. Try giving them control over aspects of the task. If they hate getting dressed, let them pick out what to wear. Make sure to only present them with choices you are actually okay with, so don’t give them the option to wear a swimming suit to your sister’s wedding. If they hate taking a bath, try letting them choose when to take it or what towel to use.
But sometimes, it seems like no matter what you do they hate doing a certain task. For example, maybe they hate brushing their hair. You’ve tried making it a game, letting them pick the hairstyle, keeping it shorter, letting them do the brushing, letting them brush your hair first, and they still yell and scream when they glimpse the brush. You’ve already consulted with your doctor and determined there are no underlying issues. She just hates brushing her hair. You’re going to be late for work and the child’s hair is a complete tangle. What to do?
Allow some time to calm down if you have the time.
“You’re upset.”
“You don’t want your hair brushed”
“I need to brush your hair.”
Try to pretend.
“When you grow up, I bet you’re never going to brush your hair.”
“Do you want to tell me a story about a girl who never brushes her hair?”
“Do you want to brush your Barbie’s hair while I brush yours?”
Explain why this must be done.
“Hair needs brushing to keep it healthy. It hurts you when your hair gets tangles.”
Hopefully, they have calmed down some. Either way, warn them about what will happen.
“I will brush your hair now.”
Then brush their hair. Try to make it as enjoyable as possible even while they are screaming. Remain calm even if they start screaming. Do not let them think that screaming is a solution to getting out of doing something that is necessary. Make sure you have tried all the other things first though. Do not take it to heart if they are mad at you for a bit so long as you remained calm throughout. You can try following the unpleasant task with something fun.
“I know you didn’t like brushing your hair. What would you like to do now?”
When the experience comes up again, try all the steps again. Hopefully, they will eventually understand that this is going to happen so they will choose to make it more enjoyable. They are also likely to outgrow any particular aversion.
What if they need to do something themselves? Make sure it is something that is reasonable to ask of a three-year-old. For example, don’t ask them to sit still for long periods of time or do a chore that is physically very difficult for them.
If you have time, allow them to calm down.
“You’re upset.”
“You don’t want to put your clothes away.”
“Your clothes need put away.”
Give them choices.
“When do you want to put them away?”
“Do you want to put them in the dresser or in the closet?”
“What will you put away first?”
If they get upset again as you talk to them, allow them to calm down again. Then redress the issue. Don’t let a tantrum get them out of doing the chore. As soon as they calm down, repeat the choices. This might take several cycles. Remain calm, keep trying to make it fun, but don’t let them out stubborn you.
Your child does not want to stop something.
Try to prevent this by warning them that they will be asked to stop the activity soon. Give a ten-minute warning, followed by a five-minute warning, followed by a one-minute warning.
Remove from the situation, allow to calm, communicate
“You were upset.”
“You wanted to keep playing.”
“Playing was fun. You wanted to play more.”
“We have to leave the park now.”
“Now we have to leave the park.”
Give choices
“Do you want to walk to the car by yourself?”
“Do you want me to carry you?”
“Do you want to skip to the car?”
Build anticipation for a new activity
“What do you want to hold in the car seat?”
“We’re going to grandma’s now. Do you want to see grandma?”
“What game should we play at home?”
“It’s almost dinner time. We’re having mashed potatoes.”
Three-year-olds are becoming more and more independent, which is amazing but also makes them want to test the limits. Setting firm boundaries will help with teaching your child that tantrums are not an effective way of getting what they want. It is perfectly normal for kids this age to yell and scream, but it is our job as parents to teach them better ways of communication. Remember that you can only control yourself. Stay calm and separate any personal offense from the interactions. This is the most important step so that your child has a calm example to learn from.
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