Whether you are a teacher or a parent, we all have times when the kids in our lives have big feelings. One way to help them deal with these emotions is a place they can go when they need to calm down and reflect. This has many different names depending on which behavioral philosophy you are following, but the goal is usually the same. The child goes there to get relaxed and regain control of their emotions. Creating this space can be as simple or as complex as you would like to make it. This article will explain what a calming area is, how to use it, and give you some ideas for how to set one up in your space.
What is a De-escalation Zone?
Have you ever been in a fight with someone where you were both heated and at max frustration level? Did anything productive come out of the words you spoke at that time? Imagine that someone came over to you at that moment and tried to talk to you about something. How receptive do you think you’d be? This is the issue with trying to discuss a child’s behavior with the child at the moment they are feeling triggered. Parents and teachers have the best intentions when they walk over to a kid who just hit another kid and immediately deliver a consequence or try to talk with them about their behavior. Kids need to learn not to hit, but if the child is upset, that moment is not the best time for teaching. This is where the zen zone comes into play. Your child can go to the calm-down area and after they have taken a few minutes to calm down, then you can discuss their behavior and explain the consequence if necessary. This also gives you time to think about what you are going to do to address the situation and to calm yourself down as well.
Going to the calm-down zone is not a punishment or a more aesthetically pleasing form of timeout. Rather, this is a time for the kid to be alone for as long or as little as they need before they can become a rational human again. They can choose to go there voluntarily at any time or you can recommend that they go there. If you are in a classroom setting, you might need to limit the amount of time they can stay there, but if it’s not necessary to do this then I would not recommend it as it can be hard to put a time limit on feelings. You can put some kind of timer in there so the child knows how long they have been there, but I haven't found this to be necessary. After the initial novelty of the area wears off, I have found kids only go there when they need it. Some will stay a while, and I will make my way over to talk to them in that area once I see they have calmed down. The long-term goal is for the child to recognize when they are upset and to learn ways to calm themselves down.
What if my child does not want to go to the zen zone? Don’t make them. The de-escalation zone is not a punishment, it is a tool. If they don’t want to use that tool, they don’t have to. If they are violent or disruptive, they do need to be removed from hurting others but they can have a choice on where they would like to go when they are being removed. If they are so violent they need to be forcibly removed, they may need a more secure place to calm down in. After they have calmed down, one thing you can discuss with them is choosing to put themselves in the zen zone next time before they get to such a level.
What Should be in My Calming Area?
The calming area should be out of the way of distractions. It should be quiet and have tools in it to help them calm down. It’s good to think about all the senses when making the area.
Sight
People are visual creatures. So make sure the place looks calming. It should be neat, and clean. You also want to have minimal distractions. There should not be any toys in this area, though there can be a few fidgets as I explain in the touch section. Natural materials are usually more relaxing so if you can incorporate wood, wool, cotton, or stone that will usually trigger a calm mood in people. Maybe consider handing some motivational posters for them to look at.
Looking at plants can often lift people’s moods. So consider adding a plant or two in the area. This can also help with fresh air. So I recommend a plant that will help with air purification. Fake plants have been shown to have just as much of a mood boost as real plants so if you are unable to care for a live plant, consider a faux one.
It’s best to have calming colors. Neutrals and cooler colors help us to get into calming moods. Choose soft pillows, cushions, blankets, throws, beanbags, or tents that are calming to look at. You can also set the mood with the right lighting. Lamps help to create a more intimate space. I love using a pink salt lamp for my daughter as it gives off a relaxing warm glow.
Smell
Smells can make us think of comforting times. Try using lavender essential oils or a diffuser that an older child can easily turn off and on. Vanilla can also be calming for people. You might also try rosemary, jasmine, sage, ylang-ylang, cinnamon, or sandalwood essential oils or sprays. If you have a teen, you might consider trusting them with a candle they can light. It’s also good to make sure there are no offending or stimulating smells in the area. Make sure it’s kept clean and isn’t near a trashcan or anything else that might cause a reaction.
Hearing
The area should be as quiet as possible. You can have a soft waterfall running or the option to turn on relaxing music. If you have the money for it, noise-canceling headphones might also help. You can place a singing bowl set or a white noise machine in the area as well.
Touch
Make sure the area is comfy and feels nice to the touch. Don’t choose itchy materials. Put cushions, blankets, or beanbags in the space as a soft place to sit. Make sure the temperature is not too cold or too hot. Include things that the child can touch such as stress balls, play-doh, and squishy things. It’s popular to put a small sand zen garden in the space as well.
Taste
If you have an older child, you can have a small electric kettle with water already in it. They can make themselves some tea. Chamomile teas is known to be relaxing. A mix of different relaxing teas might also help. Or if the child is younger, you can consider a pre-made cold tea but many are filled with sugar so check what is available in your area.
If your child is old enough for small candies, you can place some peppermints. We all get hangry sometimes. A more substantial snack might be what they need. Some snacks that might calm your little one are pumpkin seeds, dried chickpeas, nuts, bananas, sunflower seeds, dried shrimp, almonds, or flax seeds. Make sure to put something age appropriate that’s not a choking hazard for young toddlers.
Don’t put too many snacks. Kids should only be presented with choices you are okay with them making. So if they choose to eat all the snacks at once right before dinner, it should be a small enough amount that you are okay with that choice. Do not expect a young child to practice moderation or portion control. You’ll be creating another issue if you deny them snacks that have been presented to them. Sugar does not actually make kids hyper, but you don’t want the food or beverages to be too exciting either as the intent is to calm the child. No cakes, chocolate, or candy. If you don’t want your child to have constant access to snacks then skip this step.
Emotions
Help your child to understand their feelings better by naming them. I have a free set of feeling cards here. Provide charts, books, or posters about feelings. Younger kids might benefit from a more tactical representation of feelings such as these feelings plushes. This monster-feeling book is a popular choice. I also have a free monster-themed unit on feelings.
Give them strategies for controlling their emotions and calming down. Use activities, posters, cards, or books.
Provide a reflection journal so they can write down or draw their feelings. They can then choose what to do with this paper. Some kids might want to tear it up or place it in a container symbolically letting go of those thoughts and feelings.
If you are a teacher, you may also choose to put a reflection sheet in the area that the child should fill out before they can return to class.
After your child has calmed down, you should take appropriate action to address what led them to that situation. Depending on the age of the child, you can discuss how to prevent this behavior in the future. If appropriate, this would also be the time to explain the consequence. How can they make this right? What will happen now? Does there need to be a punishment for this action? Kids as young as three can start to be reasoned with, check out my article on how to address meltdowns in your preschooler. Don’t think that kids outgrow the need for a place to calm down when they reach puberty, this is an emotional time for them as well. They have lots of new confusing thoughts and feelings. Though their space will be more mature, a calming place to de-escalate is just as helpful for older kids as for tantruming toddlers.
Remember that kids need to learn to regulate their emotions just like they need to learn to read and write. Use childhood misbehavior as a learning tool and not as a condemnation of their character. Help them not to associate a mistake with their core personality traits and identity. You made a poor choice, but that does not make you a bad child. Having a relaxing place to calm down before this discussion takes place is the first step to helping them learn to control their behavior.
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